ASSERTIVENESS Facts and myths

 In psychology, assertiveness is a term that means having and expressing one's own opinion and direct expression of emotions and attitudes within the limits that do not violate the rights and mental territory of other people and one's own, without aggressive behavior, as well as defending one's own rights in social situations. It is an acquired skill.

Assertiveness is an attitude towards people and the world, it manifests itself primarily in communication with others, but not only. Assertiveness is revealed in how we treat ourselves and others. The key concept in understanding assertiveness is respect, for yourself and others. Assertively means with dignity, I treat myself with dignity, so I don't succumb to pressure from others and treat others with dignity, I don't force or manipulate.

The word "assertiveness" is used to describe a type of behavior that allows us to communicate our needs, wants, and feelings to other people in a specific and decisive manner - without violating their rights in any way

Assertiveness is:

• the ability to express opinions, criticism, needs, wishes, guilt,
• the ability to refuse in a non-submissive way and not hurt others,
• the ability to accept criticism, evaluation, and praise,
• authenticity,
• the flexibility of behavior,
• self-awareness (flaws, advantages, opinions),
• sensitivity to other people
• firmness.

• AGGRESSION: You should... you better... if not... not good... watch out...
• PASSIVE: Maybe... I guess... if you'd like... I'm so sorry... I wonder...
• ASSERTIVENESS: I... think that... feel that... want... let's get to... what do you think of...

Submissive people respect the rights of others but do not give these rights to themselves

Aggressive people only care about their own rights, the rights of others do not exist for them

Assertive people care about their own rights and the rights of others at the same time

AGGRESSIVENESSL

- respecting one's own rights

- disregarding the rights of others

We dominate others, we humiliate them and we don't listen to them. We adopt hostile or defensive attitudes

ASSERTIVENESS 

J

- respecting one's own rights

- respecting the rights of others

We defend our own rights while recognizing the rights of others, and express our needs, views, and feelings in conversation, using statements, e.g. "This is my opinion, this is how I see the situation"

SUBMISSION K

- respecting the rights of others

- disregarding one's own rights

/ We are afraid, so we do not present our own needs, views, and feelings. Our actions do not match the words, which causes the accumulation of anger and resentment. / /

Psychological territory

A certain area that belongs to a person. It can set its clear boundaries, take care of its independence, and it can also respect the boundaries of the territory of people with whom it comes into contact on a daily basis. Crossing the borders of this territory is accompanied by negative emotions.

THE LIMITS OF ASSERTIVENESS

• Limits of Necessary Defense - A 4-Step Procedure for Expressing Anger and Other Negative Feelings
• Border conflicts
• Building healthy boundaries
• When does submission turn into aggression? - dealing with feelings of guilt and injustice
• Training in expressing anger and negative feelings
• exercises of non-verbal expression of negative feelings

The Assertiveness Map will help you check in which situations you exercise your right to assertive behavior, and in which situations you have trouble with it. How - in different situations - do you manage to express yourself and respect the rights of others.

         The point is to find situations that reduce your self-confidence, which you are afraid of, avoid, and in which you feel your own helplessness. Or you behave in a way that you are completely dissatisfied with.

It's hardest for me to say no when:

1. I'm tired
2. I have lots of things to do
3. I'm at a social gathering
4. I feel great and relaxed
5. I'm talking to someone directly
6. Someone compliments me
7. I'm in a big hurry
8. Someone criticizes me
9. Someone praises me
10. I am lonely
11. The hardest thing for me to say no to
12. Beggars
13. Aliens
14. partner
15. baby
16. A person of great authority
17. Colleagues from work (school)
18. to the superior
19. parents
20. younger
21. the elder

Human rights contain the essence of assertiveness (H. Fersterheim)

• You have the right to do what you want as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else.
• You have the right to maintain your dignity by being assertive – even if it hurts someone else – as long as your intentions are not aggressive but assertive.
• You have the right to present your requests to others as long as you believe that the other person has the right to refuse.
• There are situations between people where rights are not obvious. However, you always have the right to discuss the matter with another person and explain it.
• You have the right to exercise your rights

12 behaviors you are entitled to (Mahrus)

1. Ask for what you want, but don't demand it.
2.   Have your opinion and express it.
3.   Be illogical and don't justify it.
4.   Make decisions and bear the consequences.
5.   Don't know, don't know, don't understand.
6.   To make mistakes.
7.   Achieve successes.
8.   Change your mind.
9.   Keep your privacy.
10.   Be lonely and independent.
11.   Decide if you want to get involved in other people's problems.
12.   Change and exercise your rights.

I have the right:

• have your own opinion
• cry in front of people
• be heard and taken seriously
• take no responsibility for others
• express your feelings out loud
• to be tired
• ask for help
• to make mistakes
• take care of yourself
• devote a lot of time to your interests
• choose your own friends

Rules of "Good" & "Bad" behavior are culturally inherited

1. Putting your own needs before the needs of others is selfish.
2. Making mistakes is embarrassing. You always have to do the right thing.
3. If others question your feelings, it is a sign that they are inappropriate.
4. Do not express your opinions. Listen and learn from those who know more.
5. You must always act logically and consistently.
6. You should be able to adapt. Others have reasons to act a certain way.
7. Asking questions is proof of your ignorance.
8. Don't expect too much. It could have been even worse.
9. It is not polite to impress others with your problems.
10. No one cares about your well-being, keep this information to yourself.
11. Take someone's advice to heart, it's usually the right thing to do.
12. It's not polite to brag about your achievements.
13. You should always do favors for others.
14. You must not avoid people. You have to be sociable.
15. Explain to others the reasons for your actions.
16. If someone has problems, don't stand still.
17. You should be able to recognize the needs and expectations of others.
18. your rights
19. You have the right to think about yourself first.
20. You have the right to make mistakes.
21. You know best what you feel. Others have no right to comment on the legitimacy of your feelings.
22. You always have the right to express your opinion.
23. You have the right to change your mind and choose a different course of action.
24. You have the right to protest against an action taken against you.
25. You have the right to ask questions and ask for clarification.
26. You have the right to negotiate the terms.
27. You have the right to ask for help and support.
28. You have the right to talk about how you feel.
29. You have the right to ignore the advice of others.
30. You have the right to be recognized for your achievements.
31. You have the right to refuse.
32. You have the right to be alone.
33. You have the right not to justify yourself to others.
34. You are not responsible for other people's problems.
35. You have the right not to guess what the expectations and needs of others are.

Assertive skills

Persistence. When you lose your self-confidence, the interlocutor attacks you with irrelevant arguments, when he attacks you directly, you can use the broken record technique. You calmly repeat what you want, and what you need, until the interlocutor finally agrees to negotiate or relents.

Negotiations. Sympathize, empathize with the situation of the other party, and use empathy ... I see that this is important to you ... I understand that you are in a hurry ...

• demand explanations... what solution would satisfy you?
• keep calm (take a few long deep breaths)
• be prepared - have arguments
• avoid "going off" - you can use a broken record to bring the conversation to the point
• suggest a compromise

How to constructively criticize others?

• Be specific, and avoid generalities ... I think the color of this suit is too dark for you ... instead ... you look bad in this suit ...
• Notice the positive...I still prefer you in that jacket with trousers...If you can make a genuinely positive remark, do so.
• Show empathy... I realize that what I'm about to say may disappoint you, but I have to follow the rules...
• Stay calm, control your voice
• Criticize the behavior, not the person ... you forgot to take the keys today and not ... you are scatterbrained ... Do not say what the person is like at all, but what specifically did he do wrong.
• Don't use labels... that's typical of you...

assertiveness training

Assertiveness training is a systematic work on the development of one's communication skills, as well as shaping an attitude of respect for others. The most effective is assertiveness training taking place in a group, where you can try the right behaviors on others live and receive feedback from them. A voice recorder and camera that provide objective feedback to the practitioner are also useful.

Benefits:

    Gaining greater self-confidence Controlling one's own emotional states Effective coping with stress Conscious shaping of relations with the environment Changing beliefs about oneself Eliminating limitations in relations with the environment

After participating in assertiveness training

- you will realize the strengths and weaknesses of your communication skills

- you will learn how to simply and clearly express your feelings, opinions and needs (UOP)

- you will gain motivation to clearly present your arguments and exercise your rights

- you will more often behave the way you want - according to how you understand your own interests

- you will learn to use body language better and express your emotions in a way that is more understandable to others

- you will free yourself from unnecessary baggage of guilt and injustice

- people will start to respect you more, and you will understand others better

- you will feel more joy and peace

Assertive communication

Assertive communication, unlike passive and aggressive communication, is characterized by a clear style of speech. An assertive person can actively listen, express their thoughts, expectations, needs, and feelings directly ("here & now" messages), can effectively deal with criticism, and is open to negotiations and concessions. Her voice is firm, has good modulation, and maintains good eye contact with the interlocutor, empathy, confidence and strength are felt in her behavior.

Example:

     Husband: Can't anything be in its place in this house?! Wife: Honey, what do you mean? Husband: Yesterday I left my cufflinks in the bathroom, today they are gone. This house is so messy, soon there won't be enough room for us. Wife: I understand you didn't find your cufflinks in the bathroom and that upset you. You want everything to be in its place. Husband: It's probably obvious, it's like that in every normal home. Wife: I would like that too. It takes me an awful lot of time to clean up the things you've left behind. Since I changed my job, I don't have as much time to clean the house anymore. I'd like you to put your things away.

Assertive communication

The assertive style allows you to conduct a conversation in a satisfying and constructive way despite the strong emotions that the interlocutor reveals. This is facilitated by the way of formulating statements, which is characteristic of assertive communication.

The following elements can be distinguished from it:

• observations
• thoughts
• feelings
• needs

In assertive statements, there is no room for guesswork. We leave nothing to chance. We communicate directly our thoughts, feelings, and needs. Therefore, there is no danger that he will not understand, and will not see our expectations, needs, etc.

Assertive communication - behavior in case of criticism

People who use an assertive style of speech also have a specific repertoire of behavior when the interlocutor introduces criticism. Passive people usually fall silent, turn red, and start crying. Aggressive people, on the other hand, respond with an attack, which leads to an escalation of the conflict. By using an assertive communication style, we can use one of three strategies for dealing with criticism:

• confirmation,
• haze (partial agreement, perhaps agreement, logical agreement),
• probe

Confirmation

it is a method that we can use in response to legitimate criticism, i.e. one with which we agree. If I come to work late and my boss reprimands me for being late, the appropriate response is to agree with him.

Boss: You came to work today at half past ten. You're half an hour late. Employee: Yes, I was indeed half an hour late today

Haze

it's a technique to help you deal with manipulation and criticism you don't agree with. It consists in "picking out" from the statement of the person criticizing the fragment with which we agree. It can take three different forms: partial agreement, "maybe" agreement, or logical agreement.

Partial consent

This technique consists in finding in the interlocutor's statement what we agree with and omitting the rest. It is based on the scheme: yes indeed / you are right ... and then we paraphrase the critical statement of the interlocutor, at the same time weakening exaggerated expressions such as: never, always.

Example

Wife: We haven't been out together for a few weeks... You're still just working. Husband: Yes, I do work a lot. Wife: I don't matter anymore, soon you won't notice me at all. Husband: You're right, I haven't been spending much time with you lately.

Or another example: Mother: Still either work or friends for the family you don't have time at all. Daughter: Yes, it's true that a lot has been going on in my life lately. Mother: Of course, everything is important outside the family. Daughter: You're right, I've spent too little time with my family in recent weeks.

"Maybe" Consent

If there is even a slight probability that the criticism is right, you can use the technique based on admitting the truth according to the following scheme: Perhaps/maybe you are right ... and then we paraphrase the critical statement of the interlocutor.

Example

Wife: Always just work, you don't have time for me or the kids at all. Husband: Perhaps I do work too much. Wife: Home and kids all the time on my mind. Husband: Perhaps you really do have too many responsibilities.

     Mother: I can never count on you. Whenever I ask you for help, you don't have time. Daughter: Perhaps I have had less time for you lately. Mother: You used to be different, you remembered your mother. Now all that matters to you is your career. Daughter: Perhaps I have changed and spent less time with you.

Logical agreement

We can use this technique when we agree with the logic of the statement but not with its premise. (if X is Y but I disagree that X)

Example

A: If you continue to spend so much time working and avoiding company, you will lose all your friends. B: You're right. If I continue to work so much, I will lose all my friends

A: Until you do your research, you won't know if you're in any danger. B: You're right, until I do the tests, I don't know if I'm in any danger

Probe

is a method that can be useful when we are not sure whether the criticism is manipulation or a constructive statement. In order to use this form of dealing with criticism, you should choose the part of the statement that, in our opinion, is the most important for the critic. We build the answer according to the following scheme: What annoys you about ...? and Here it is necessary to repeat the fragment of the interlocutor's statement, which we considered to be the most important

Example

Wife: You drive like a pirate. Want to cause an accident? Husband: What annoys you about the way I drive? Wife: Can't you see we're overtaking all the cars?! Husband: What annoys you about overtaking other cars? Wife: If another driver unexpectedly crosses our path, there will be a collision. Husband: Now I understand. It's good that you tell me about your concerns.

Assertive communication - strategies

• jammed disc
• from content to process
• a moment to breathe
• postponement

A jammed disc

this technique is especially useful when talking to a person who does not listen to our arguments. We can use it in situations where explanations would only encourage the interlocutor to stick to his own opinion, e.g. encouraging to buy another season ticket, taste the fifth portion of cake, etc. The most important thing in using this technique is to precisely express your needs - exactly what you want or what you don't want. Then calmly but firmly repeat your statement as many times as necessary to make the other person back off. Do not change the content of the message.

Example

Mother: Daughter, have some more of this cheesecake. Daughter: Mom, thank you very much, but I decided not to eat cake. Mother: Honey, don't do this to me, I've tried so hard... Daughter: I know Mommy you've tried so hard, but I've decided not to eat cake. Mother: Nothing will happen if you only eat one serving. Daughter: Yes, I know nothing will happen, but I decided not to eat cake. Mother: Honey, but what are the reasons for your decision? Daughter: Mom, I just decided not to eat cake.

From content to process

is a technique that can be used when the conversation takes a different turn. It allows you to shift the focus from the current topic to the relationship between you and the interlocutor. It is especially helpful when emotions start to dominate the conversation. You can then say I see that both of us are talking louder and faster. This is a difficult topic for both of us. The essence of this technique is to make a neutral commentary on what is happening between the interlocutors in a neutral way and without expressing emotions (so that the interlocutor does not feel attacked, judged, etc.).

Take a breath

is a technique that is worth using, especially in situations where the interlocutor asks important questions that require reflection. In order not to regret hasty answers, it is worth giving yourself a moment to think. For this purpose, you can use, for example, one of the following statements: This is very important, let me think for a moment. I don't quite understand it, let's repeat it again, but slower. I feel like I'm already very tired, I need some time to think.

Postponing

this technique is especially useful when the conversation is too aggressive or, on the contrary, stalled. Postponing can also be a good strategy when you need some time to think. It is enough to say, for example, I think this is a very important topic, let's come back to it after the walk. It is very important. Would it be okay for us to continue the conversation tomorrow? We're both tired now. It is important to set a specific date for further conversation. Thanks to this, the interlocutor will not feel disrespected, otherwise he could interpret your behavior as avoidance.

Assertiveness at work

Assertiveness is a very useful skill at work. Although bosses rarely appreciate it and rarely direct their employees to courses that improve assertiveness. This is partly due to legitimate fears that an assertive worker will be more open about their rights in their relationship with their employer. Is that wrong though? An employee who is able to fight for his own will be more satisfied with his work, so he will care more, and therefore he will be more effective. In addition, the ability to assertively communicate improves cooperation both within the organization and in relations with other entities. And finally, being submissive or aggressive, you can lose a lot, that is, being at work can lead to serious losses to your organization. After all, aggression usually repels us, and submission pushes us to decisions that are unfavorable to us. In addition, assertiveness is perfect for resolving conflicts, which are, after all, an inseparable element of life in a group. Assertive negotiations are aimed at finding a solution that takes into account the interests of all parties.

Assertiveness at home

Assertiveness is also useful at home and in social relationships. An assertive attitude helps to deal with anger so that it does not turn into destructive aggression, which most often returns to the sender in a changed form. On the other hand, assertiveness protects us from the feeling of harm caused by submissive behavior. A particularly important area in which assertiveness seems to be indispensable is partnership relations and relations between parents and children. This is best seen when analyzing counterexamples, i.e. relationships based on aggression or submission, which usually lead to dissatisfaction and even suffering on both sides. In turn, submissiveness to children teaches them and strengthens their lack of empathy for others, which over time leads to aggressive behavior and atrophy of human relationships. On the other hand, aggression towards children first results in their fear and submissiveness, and with time passive aggression and manipulative attitude - "you have to manage in life somehow".

How to accept criticism?

• Negative confirmation
• it's calmly accepting genuine criticism ... it's true, I can't ...
• If you are able to admit your weakness, others will be less willing to subordinate you. The key is to feel confident and believe that you can change if you want to

Fog technique

You calmly admit that there is some truth in what you heard: yes, I was late this morning... it's possible that I don't feel as responsible as I could..., ...but that doesn't mean that I'm always late..., you're probably right, I wasn't on time today...

Negative question

is an active encouragement to criticize your behavior, e.g. ...when do you think I am...? This is the most difficult technique, but very useful in relationships with others. If the answer to such a question is specific, it means that the critic is genuinely interested in you, and if you hear: ... good question ... of course, now you will say that you did not notice it ... know that you are dealing with manipulation. Then you can use the fog technique.