You are a 23-year-old girl who is a virgin. It's not like you've never had a boyfriend... You've been in a few relationships, but it never turned into anything more. These relationships were mainly high school relationships. Very emotionally intense, as it is at a young age, but…
Exactly. You didn't feel confident enough to take one or the other relationship to the next level. You didn't want to have sex because you were raised in a conservative environment and you believed that donating your body was a very serious decision that shouldn't be made just like that.
The guys you were with were very pushy about sexual contact. One of them even blackmailed you that if you don't start having sex, he will simply break up with you. And this is a strong emotional dilemma for a young girl. On the one hand, she experiences an intense feeling of love, and on the other, someone is clearly trying to cross the boundaries she has set for herself. But it doesn't end there.
You may have listened to your friends' stories about their sex lives, but you have never actively participated in these discussions. A little out of shame, a little out of fear of not accepting the fact that you want to wait with your decision about the first time. And with each passing year of high school, more and more girls joined the ranks of non-virgins, and you felt less and less understood and accepted.
After high school, there was basically no lasting relationship. Tinder is not for you, you wouldn't feel good there. You're also not a party person, so meeting each other in clubs is also out of the question. That's why you wait patiently...
And when you are already 23, 25 or 27 years old, you are more and more likely to hear a certain message that virginity at this age is already a reason for shame. That there must be something wrong with you since you haven't allowed any partner to come near you yet. Society suggests that maybe you have some problems or complexes or... that no one wants you. Or maybe you're just too picky and if men know you won't give them what they want, they won't even try.
There may be pressure from loved ones - the same people who previously told you not to rush into opening your sex life. Now, for some reason, they start to remind me that the years are passing, and they slowly have to find that one partner, get engaged and think about starting a family.
Your loved ones may not understand that the modern marriage market looks a bit different than in their times... that nowadays it is more and more common to encounter fleeting relationships based on sex, and long-term relationships are not necessarily so attractive to young people.
But do you really identify with this lifestyle? This is one of many questions that a still young girl may ask herself. However, even despite her young age, she begins to realize that her expectations regarding relationships do not seem to match the rules prevailing on the market today.
How is it that every environment we live in has something to say about virginity and sexual initiation? Where does this pressure come from that at a certain age it is no longer appropriate to be a virgin? And finally - why does virginity cause so many emotions?
Let's do a little experiment - what does virginity mean to you?
Because in the past, its perception was more clear, even as a medical fact. If a woman had an intact hymen, she was considered a virgin. But nowadays, when we live in times of much greater sexual openness and a deeper understanding of this sphere, discussions on this issue appear.
Sex is a much broader concept that consists of a whole spectrum of phenomena and behaviours. It turns out that the classic perception of virginity as a rigid medical fact is much outdated in times when sex itself and the possibilities of practising it have become a really broad issue.
This brings us to a certain conclusion. And of course, don't treat it as a dogma, but rather as a hypothesis. But isn't it a coincidence that nowadays virginity is more of a social construct and a psychophysical condition of a given person? Let's try to think about it.
To do this, we need to analyze the social expectations and pressure associated with virginity, as well as the psychology associated with the first time. Let's start with the second aspect.
Sexual initiation. You can think about your associations with this phrase, and if you have already experienced it, remember what emotions accompanied it. Sexual initiation is nothing else than having the first sexual contact in your life. But here's a little catch. Because, as already mentioned, sex is a wide spectrum of behaviours. However, this fact raises an important issue.
From the point of view of a person experiencing his or her initiation, emotionally and psychologically it is crossing a certain boundary and entering previously unknown areas. This means that regardless of the type of first sex, the person already identifies himself as having experienced initiation. This psychological aspect of breaking the boundary is very important, regardless of the form in which intercourse takes place. Subjectively, such a person perceives herself no longer as a virgin or a virgin.
Many women come to my office whose initiation did not go as it should. As a result, these ladies suffer various types of sexual trauma. Unpleasant stimuli associated with the "first time" disturb their sexual development, especially the sphere of sexual sensation. They reduce the intensity of excitement and the level of pleasure obtained (including lack of orgasm). They often lead to avoiding intimate situations .
Sexologist Andrzej Depko, based on his experience, addresses a very important problem. Sex, especially at the beginning, can be one of the most beautiful experiences in life, but if it does not go according to expectations, something goes wrong, disappointment occurs or consent to intercourse does not turn out to be the same as emotional readiness for it, then it is the much-awaited most beautiful experience in life may ultimately become a trauma .
Why is this element of readiness for the first time - i.e. a certain emotional maturity - so important?
Already at the age of 12-15, many people experience premature eroticization of their psyche and an inappropriate, distorted approach to sexuality. It is often treated childishly as an element that must be overcome and passed on the way to adulthood. The associated pressure and the desire to gain acceptance from peers often lead to young people adopting poses and exhibiting sexual behaviours that manifest pseudo-adulthood.
Those of you who have experienced some form of intimate closeness can say that these were special moments - tenderness at a level unknown before... However, apart from a number of positive emotions, everything could also be accompanied by stress. The strong role that emotions play here can be described in various ways, but perhaps the most clear will be a live example, based on the relationship of two different people with different levels of experience.
Our "first time" happened only on the 2nd attempt. We first tried to make love when I was still in high school. The rehearsal took place in a tent during a holiday trip, but I was very tense. I didn't get any pleasure from my boyfriend's caresses. The campsite was crowded, I could constantly hear people passing by. I couldn't relax.
In this case, the lack of comfortable conditions was clearly a strong obstacle. But as you'll see in a moment, for an experienced person with slightly different preferences, the same conditions are downright exciting:
For example, I like to make love in an atmosphere of risk. Just like that night in the tent, when I felt the sweet thrill of not knowing if anyone would hear us. Maybe that's why I'm so into making love in public places now.
I compare these two examples so that you can see how a person's individual characteristics and level of experience influence the perception of certain situations. And we still haven't touched on the second aspect...
The second important element is social expectations and environmental conditions.
In conservative environments, especially outside larger cities, young girls are brought up with a strong belief that virginity is a virtue. That it is something they should defend and not grant access to without making sure the intercourse will take place with the right person. This assurance is, for example, marriage.
The most interesting thing, however, is that this conservative trend is becoming more and more visible in places where it was not there before. A clear example is the trad wife movement, which is reaching the mainstream on TikTok and Instagram. But it doesn't end there, because even on the Polish Internet we have creators who base their entire activity on promoting purity and traditional values. Najka and half a million followers on TikTok are a prime example.
And let's not define here whether these are good or bad beliefs. Rather, I want to show you a certain contrast and contradiction that a young woman may experience. On the one hand, conservatism and a very traditional approach. And on the other hand...
Sexual openness, according to which sex should not be subject to ethics at all as long as there is mutual consent between adults and conscious people.
And as a result, we have a very clear discrepancy between how such a woman was brought up and what lifestyle modern society offers her.
But it doesn't end there. Because there is still a male perspective. A perspective that, on the one hand, often expects virginity and complains about how promiscuous women are today. But on the other hand... All these women who are pejoratively described as promiscuous are having sex with someone, right?
My first time was out of curiosity. Things happened quickly. Before I knew it, he had already undressed me, kissed my neck three times and lay on top of me. It was obvious that he had deflowered more than one person because he expertly placed a rolled-up pillow under my hips. He also practised almost the entire Kama Sutra on me. We even did what you shouldn't do the first time.
This story is an example of giving in to pressure. The girl says that although she agreed to sex and wanted it, she was not emotionally ready, especially because of the way she was treated... [continuation of the previous quote below]
Afterwards, he got up and got dressed. (…) It dawned on me that even though I wanted to get it over with and there was apparently consent in me, there was no real readiness. I felt shame and embarrassment, which I still feel today.
Men's expectations are also contradictory, because on the one hand, for a long-term relationship, they want a girl with little sexual experience - which even has a rather unpleasant term - the so-called "woman with little experience". This topic came up very often in the foreign manosphere. People who pretended to be gurus repeated like a mantra that women should have a low body count. A lot of content began to be created in the style of “What does your body count say about you? Why is body count so important for men, etc. Where body count is simply a term for the number of sexual partners.
On the other hand, when there is an opportunity for fleeting sexual contact, men very often take advantage of such opportunities, even expecting that an experienced girl will be perfect for such (in quotation marks) "good fun".
It is also worth mentioning the phenomenon of Madonna-whore complex, i.e. the inability to maintain sexual arousal in a committed and loving relationship. Freud wrote about this phenomenon as follows: " Where such people love, they have no desires, and where they desire, they cannot love ." Simply put, desire is much stronger where it is a little forbidden, a little outside the norm. You may think that Freud is no scientific authority today, while Clinical Psychologist Uwe Hartmann wrote in 2009 that this complex "is still very widespread in modern patients". So we see an obvious contradiction here. Nowadays, a young woman really doesn't have it easy when it comes to meeting social expectations, because... if she doesn't do it, she will be judged anyway.
If she remains a virgin for a long time, she may be called a prude or society will even suggest to her that there is something wrong with her, that her expectations are too high, or she simply cannot find her way in an intimate relationship. And if she is not a virgin, she may be met with expressions such as that she is easy, she is fun to have fun with, but she is definitely not "wifey material".
And why not?
Of course, men's nature is also important here, which on the one hand forces them to be conquerors and explorers, and on the other... well, men have a strong attachment to their territory - they are very territorial. Therefore, male nature tells men that the woman with whom they will build a life and start a family must be faithful. But is this explanation even reflected in research?
Thanks to channels and creators from the so-called manosphere, as well as some scientific authorities, the fact has recently been strongly popularized that the higher the number of sexual partners before marriage, the greater the probability of divorce. So the general conclusion is that it is not good for the durability of marriage or long-term relationships. Therefore, we have a deregulated marriage market, conflicting social expectations from various sides, peer pressure, and widespread sexualization. To quote a classic: it was difficult for young girls at that time, and also for men.
As you watch this episode, you may be wondering one key thing: When is a good time to have a first time?
I have to disappoint you. It is impossible to answer this question clearly. And maybe this is the most important thing - that the first sexual intercourse should be a conscious decision that results from emotional and physical readiness, and not social pressure and expectations, or pressure from the partner. And I leave you with this thought.
Sources:
1. Madonna – whore complex (online), access: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna%E2%80%93whore_complex , [access date: April 23, 2024].
2. Pawłowicz B., What is virginity nowadays? Does it still exist? (online), access: https://zwierciadlo.pl/seks/533184,1,czem-w-dzisiejjsze-czasach-jest-dziewictwo-czy-jeszcze-istnieje.read?page_y=300 , [access date: 23/04. 2024].
3. Smith J., Wolfinger NH, Reexamining the relationship between premarital sex and divorce, Journal of Family Issues 2024, no. 45, pp. 674 – 696.
4. Szulejewska W., "My first time" — how should I prepare for it? (online), access: https://www.doz.pl/Czytelia/a14475-Moj_pierszy_raz__jak_powinnam_sie_do_niego_przygotowac , [access date: April 23, 2024].
5. This is how I remember my first time... (online), access: https://www.kobieta.pl/artykul/tak-pamietam-swoj-pierszy-raz , [access date: April 23, 2024].
No comments:
Post a Comment