Toxic relationships, toxic families, toxic emotions

 The toxic mother is rarely aware of her "toxicity". When I ask her about it, she opens her eyes in amazement, she doesn't know what she's talking about. He gets nervous or starts to explain himself. Most often, he claims that he does everything to make it right, sometimes he emphasizes how much he devotes himself, how much he gives, and nothing comes of it. She complains that she is facing ingratitude instead of gratitude ... The toxic mother has good intentions, and beautiful visions, and is guided by ideal assumptions. I want it to be okay. However, her definition of "the good of the family" is not always equal to the vision of the children and even of the husband, and she does not want to or is unable to accept this fact.

The toxic mother usually doesn't cope. With yourself…

Why do we not get along so often in our immediate family? It would seem that it should be quite the opposite. After all, we usually love each other, we have good intentions, and we care about proper relations. Sure, there are conflicts, but nothing prevents them from being clarified on an ongoing basis. Honestly and honestly so that you can enjoy the full mother-daughter relationship. How is life? Unfortunately, it turns out that even good intentions and kinship are not enough for a warm relationship. For various reasons, one of them is behaviors that are known under the meaningful term "toxic mother"... This term explains a lot and calls into question the possibility of healthy functioning in the family.

A 2014 study published by the American Psychological Association concluded that emotional neglect is as painful for children as physical harm is surprising to many. Researchers found that children who were mentally abused by their parents experienced the same fears, feelings of fear, and low self-esteem as children who experienced physical and sexual abuse. Emotionally neglected mothers have long-term effects. In Psychology Today, Peg Streep points out that the consequences are: a sense of pointlessness, of being unworthy of attention, a simultaneous great longing for love and often looking for it too greedily and with poor results.

Where does toxicity come from? Most often because of not coping with one's own emotions and expectations. A toxic mother does not become one because she wants it, but usually, because she is panicky about a child, she is overly afraid of what people will say, she is jealous of her child, she is very afraid of abandonment, she believes that she is able to protect the child from failure, is afraid of transiency, does not notice that the child grows and becomes independent, she was brought up by toxic parents herself.

Toxicity is born out of fear, a sense of danger. Emotional baggage and a whole lot of expectations towards the child do not make the task easier. The problem arises not only when the child is small, but especially when the mother, who is very concerned and fully devoted to raising the child, feels that she is losing control over the choices of an adult child. As a mother realizes her role is diminishing, toxic behaviors often reveal themselves. Due to greater identification with the woman growing up under the wings of a toxic mother, negative emotions are most often directed towards the daughters, of whom more is required. A toxic mother is often unable to accept the different choices of an adult woman who wants to live differently. The more a daughter is different from her mother, the greater the risk of difficult relationships developing. 

10 signals that it is a toxic mother who does not respect your choices, does not notice that you are an adult - she treats you like a child, thinks that it is necessary because someone has to look after you, does not give you the right to privacy or your own decisions, she thinks, that she herself knows what is best for you. Psychologists talk about such people and relationships as "entangled" and look for reasons for not respecting boundaries in the fear of abandonment. she wants you to feel responsible for her happiness - no child, not even an adult one, can be responsible for a parent's happiness, cannot be drawn into a game aimed at fulfilling the role imposed by the unhappy mother. 

Everyone is responsible for themselves and shows that they are abusive. The parent has no right to demand that the child give up his life, things that make him happy for him. Don't let anyone tell you that you are selfish because you want to be happy. it is overly critical - criticizing, while not very nice, is sometimes necessary. The scale of this type of behavior is important. A toxic parent is overly critical, a hard to please, perpetually dissatisfied type. Even more depressing is that the critical mother is like that in… good faith. She is sure that her "advice" will help the child avoid unpleasant mistakes. she demands undue attention and often uses manipulation and emotional blackmail - to be as planned, she hates opposition, and when she sees that you do not want to meet her demands, she does everything to change it. believes that she was/has it worse than you and you are exaggerating - it does not give you the truth to complain, worse emotions because it downplays your problems. Believes she had it worse. And in this field, it competes with you and tries to prove that you are "exaggerating". it causes a feeling of guilt to control your behavior - a toxic parent will try to get his own way, reaching for the argument "I have done so much for you", "because of all this I did not make my life ...", etc. tries to force certain behaviors with expensive gifts - he gives money, expensive gifts to force certain decisions, behaviors he cares about, he wants to control you. he uses nasty jokes to convey difficult information. 

This is a game from the category: "I will not tell you directly, I will dress the message in the form of a joke, which only I will laugh at". In this way, he will convey the message that you are stupid, ugly, not good enough, and will derive cruel satisfaction from it. This type of behavior is very common in toxic parents, she puts her feelings above yours - she does not allow you to express her feelings, and she especially refuses to show negative feelings because they hurt her. In this way, it shows that her well-being is the most important, she reaches for forms of passive aggression - that is, she shoots the so-called "groans", and punishes you by cutting off all conversations, and silence.

A toxic family is one with harmful behavior. They may include, for example, those that do not respect the individuality of all its members. A toxic family is also one in which children become the target of psychological attacks or physical violence that prevent their proper development.

One way or another, the toxic family presents or a series of abnormal behaviors that allow it to be easily classified as such. For many, identifying a problem can prove extremely difficult due to emotional dependence. Therefore, in the following section, we present 4 characteristics that distinguish a toxic family.

For example, a toxic family is characterized by having little room for individuality. For this reason, what should be a choice becomes a compulsion. Family members achieve unity under duress, not out of goodwill. A person growing up in such a family ends up as a victim who will be extremely eager for acceptance throughout his life.

In such a family, unhealthy activities are undertaken that leave a permanent mark on the personalities of its members. It can be extreme overprotection or aggression that prevents the proper social development of a child.

Also, in this case, we are talking about completely extreme behavior. As we well know, however, extremes are not good for anyone. We understand that overcontrol is the opposite of freedom. For this reason, it is addictive and extremely harmful behavior.

Overcontrollers relish the effects of this behavior. They can control literally every aspect of their addicts' lives. This gives them room for maneuver when it comes to manipulation.

On the other hand, there is extreme neglect, i.e. a situation in which the parent shows no slightest interest in the child's situation and emotional state. This situation is practically rejection, the bane of childhood that will take its toll in adulthood.

Pretending there is no problem and avoiding difficulties at all costs is another characteristic of a toxic family. The problem is incorrect communication, although, in fact, no communication does mean no messages. After all, silence also gives us some information.

Not discussing the conflicts that have arisen allows for the development of real emotional bombs. These bombs grow and grow until they explode under the influence of accumulated emotions that have no outlet. It damages a person's welfare.

The inflexibility in every aspect strikes against the lack of clear and healthy limits. When one family member starts to change anything, the others will immediately start alerting them.

The four characteristics described are helpful in determining whether a family is pathological or dysfunctional to some degree. Realizing our origins can be the key to regaining our lost individuality.

Being in the company of a toxic person causes a deterioration in our well-being, a drop in energy, reluctance, sadness, and doubts about our own strength and possibilities. Self-esteem also drops. When the situation involves a stranger, it seems like a very simple task to deal with a toxic acquaintance. We avoid this person. However, when a toxic relationship connects us with someone close - father or mother, the matter becomes much more complicated.

The problem of toxic parents was one of the first described by Susan Forward in her book Toxic Parents. Toxic was defined as parents whose negative behavior patterns have a permanent and dominant influence on the child's life. These are the parents who cause harm, instill in their child an eternal trauma, a sense of insult, humiliation, and they keep doing it, even when the children are already adults. As a result, the children of toxic parents bear the burden of guilt and inadequacy, which makes it extremely difficult for them to build a positive self-image. As a result, a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem can affect every aspect of their lives.

The problem of toxicity does not only concern families with commonly understood pathology in the form of excess alcohol and overt physical violence. It also appears where the behavior of adults is characterized by overprotection, and over-control, in a word, when the child's personal boundaries are exceeded.

The relationship between the child and the mother is considered to be the closest and most significant in the development and functioning of the child. So let's take a look at the characteristics of a toxic mother, and what are the consequences for the baby?

How does the toxic mom behave?

1. Toxic mom most often:
2.  is overly controlling,
3. she is overprotective,
4. constantly interferes with the child's affairs, does not allow him to make decisions on his own,
5. does not allow the child to become independent,
6. does not accept the child's refusal,
7. puts excessive demands on the child,
8. makes the child feel guilty,
9. does not react to the harm to the child,
10. uses emotional blackmail,
11. does not allow you to disconnect from it - does not allow an adult child to start their own family,
12. takes offense,
13. manipulates,
14. creates symbiotic relationships (coalitions with the child),
15. uses physical, mental, and sexual violence,
16. abuses alcohol,
17. suffers from mental illnesses, emotional disorders, and personality disorders.

Upbringing up in these conditions has a significant impact on the child's development. It makes it impossible to independently explore reality and influence the environment. It makes it impossible to define your own needs and expectations, set boundaries, and protect your own space. As a consequence, it disturbs self-esteem, agency, and resourcefulness. Takes away the sense of understanding oneself and the world. In a word, it significantly affects the feeling of harmony, satisfaction, and contentment with one's own life.

How to deal with a toxic mother?

1. First, it is important to realize that our mother undertakes activities that are toxic to us. Only when we know we are being manipulated can we take action to protect ourselves.
2. Learning to put limits is a difficult and tedious job. We will be exposed to emotional blackmail and manipulation by the mother. You will feel guilt towards your mother.
3. Understand the mechanism of the toxic mother's action - it will be easier to cope with the emotions that will accompany us.
4. Control your emotions. Don't scream or overreact emotionally - you won't get peace and contentment that way. If you angrily shout to your mother that you have a right to your own life, you will feel guilty. Try to be calm and rational - give yourself time to think. You don't have to react right away. You can say that you will come back to the conversation, e.g. the next day.
5. It happens that close contact with the toxic mother makes it impossible to deal with your own life. Perhaps the only way is to physically distance yourself from your mother if only to distance yourself from the surrounding reality.
6. Get your own psychotherapy. Contact a psychotherapist who specializes in working with family relationship problems. Take care of yourself. Recognize your own needs. You have the right to it. Remember that you don't hurt your mother this way.

Test - check if your parents are toxic?

I. Your adult life:

1. Are you currently in a destructive or inappropriate relationship for you?
2. Do you believe that if you are too close to someone you can get hurt and/or abandoned?
3. Do you expect the worst from people? And from life in general?
4. Do you have a hard time realizing who you are, what you feel, and what you want?
5. Are you afraid that if people knew your true self, they wouldn't like you?
6. When you are successful, do you feel anxious or terrified that someone will discover that you are an impostor?
7. Are you angry or sad for no apparent reason?
8. Are you a perfectionist?
9. Is it difficult for you to relax or have fun?
10. Do you find yourself acting like your parents despite your best intentions?

II. Your relationship with your parents as an adult:

1. Do your parents still treat you like a child?
2. Do many life decisions depend on parental acceptance?
3. Do you experience intense emotional or physical reactions after or before a scheduled meeting with your parents?
4. Are you afraid to go against your parents?
5. Are your parents manipulating you through threats or guilt?
6. Are your parents manipulating you with money?
7. Do you feel responsible for your parents' feelings? When they are unhappy, do you feel it's your fault? Is it up to you to feel them for the better?
8. Do you think whatever you do will never be good enough for your parents anyway?
9. Do you hope that one day, somehow, your parents will change for the better?

Determining whether the parents were or are toxic is not a simple task. Many of us have difficult relationships with a parent or parents. The above questions are to help in determining whether the relationship is/was emotionally burdensome, otherwise destructive, or toxic. For the sake of simplicity, the questions concern both parents, and the answers may be confirmed by one of them.